Dance in your head and fight in your dreams

I don’t think I would have made it through today without kindness from friends, family and even strangers.

  Or at least made it through the day and still have been part of my fellowship program.

The last two weeks of fellowship have been rough to say the least. 

For so many reasons.

That I’m not going to go into.

Bit by bit, after long days with me leaving between 7 and 9pm most days after starting at 7 that morning, I began to realize it didn’t look like I had the time to do the things that keep me sane.

The result being me almost going insane.

 And today everything seemed to just to come to head. And in typical fashion, at least for those who know me well, I found myself nearly at the point of just putting my consult sheets down and telling my attending that I was out of there. Period. Three or four times. It’s what I’m prone to. The all or none phenomenon. It’s fine till I crack. And then it’s ka-boom.

It would have been if it hadn’t been for people around me.

I called my friend MeenaK.  Every morning as I’ve walked into work, I ask myself what Meena would do. Because I have the greatest respect for her professional ethic. I’ve never seen her upbeat attitude waiver even while she was getting slammed. She always smiled through it even if I knew she felt otherwise.  I called, almost in tears, and caught her driving back after a working through the night where she was shredded herself. And she reminded me that we don’t quit. We might find it hard but we don’t quit.

My co-fellows are amazing. Our seniors and the other first years helped me laugh it off through the day. It’s comforting knowing that you’re not the only one finding it hard. And at the end of the day as we wrapped up the days work in the fellows' room the friendly banter and raucous laughter seemed to make it seem not so bad.

 And then a complete random act of someone reaching out. While I worked feverishly on a consult this afternoon, a tall guy walked up to me. I pulled out my list guessing that like so many over the last couple of weeks, his motive was a consult for me. I’m not saying I don’t want the consults. It’s the nature of the game…I’m going to be a consultant. So consults are what I do. Until 9 at night a lot of times. But it’s all it’s meant when someone’s walked up to me in the last couple of weeks. The walk is usually followed with a glance at my badge and followed with the ‘’Are you the ID fellow? I have a patient…..” This time however, as I looked expectantly at him and stretched the automatic business smile across my face that’s so key to professional America, that preface didn’t come. Well not completely anyway “Are you the ID fellow?” And he stopped. “Yes,” I replied “Do you have someone you want me to see?” “No. No, I just wanted to say hello. I’m the GI fellow.” And I gushed and let my guard down. The one that I didn’t even know I had up . “Oh. Yeah, hey I’m John. I’m new, overwhelmed and disoriented.” He smiled and said “Haha. Yeah, I’m ……. (I never get people’s names the first time around). I’m new and disoriented too!” We said it was nice to meet each other and that we’d obviously see each other around and went back to our business. As simple as that but such a nice random act of reaching out.

As I walked out today, grateful to have survived another morale crushing day, I got an email from a friend. Who I had written to and said that it didn’t look like with this lifestyle I’d be able to do things like capoeira or look for a hip-hop class. I have to share what he said because it blew me away and put my restless heart at rest for the hope that it contained when he ended “in the meantime, dance in your head and fight in your dreams.”

 And back home to find letters awaiting me from the Mrs.Lagan and Caleb Lagan.  Reminding me of family. And of course, back home to find my mum who’s been such an amazing pillar of strength at this time during her visit.

 It helps to be reminded that you’re not alone and that you’re not forgotten. And that you’re not going this alone.

  I’ll end with this. I can’t  help but think that all these instances of friendship and love in this one rather hard day are extensions of a greater, enduring Love. Now that’s reason for hope.